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Progress.

blbell86 — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 14:52:21 +0000

Goals and aspirations always seem to be just within our reach. Everyday I make it a point to take a step forward. Why is it so hard to keep pushing when you hit wall, after wall, after wall. I asked a few weeks ago, if I keep running at 100mph what happens when I hit a wall…it hurts. Failure is a hard thing to bounce back from. You feel vulnerable and defeated. That spark and hope of success that used to blaze like abonfire, is just a mere flicker of a dimming candle. How can I get that back? I long for that flutter of hope and anxiety in my chest. That feeling that any day now you can reach one of your goals. ’24 hours from greatness.’ I used to feel that close.

I’m trying to reach inside myself, trying to find my drive again. I know I was knocked down, but not defeated. Focus and perserverance. I make sacrafices and give to others. I’m trying to raise it up for everyone on my team, like a martyr for the cause. Success isn’t unreachable. People say that I’m doing just fine, settle and enjoy life and what it has to offer. Take time and soak things in. Time is priceless. When your racing for progress and striving to reach your goals, time is valuable. I refuse to settle and I refuse to give up. I will push harder, stride farther, and reach higher. You are closest to success when you feel failure. ‘I’m 24 hours from greatness. I’m that close.’ -Drake

Gazing

blbell86 — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 23:12:37 +0000

I can see it in the distance. Bright and glowing with intensity, casting light on everything it touches. Bold yet humble. Its not the brightest of stars, nor the most hidden. Basking in its radiant glory but still humble and dutified. Such a striking stance, so far away. Visible by my eyes and palpable in its being, yet leaps and bounds away. Hindrances steer and pass disturbing the clear view of its bounty. Floating and sailing in and out of its path. Obstacles to overcome and lessons to learn. I speak of the Moon, thus parallels my Future. Forever bright, ever light, and ever growing. Attainable in time, built upon the knowledge of the journey. Substantial and Strong, Influential and Bold.

Deep Cuts.

blbell86 — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 19:04:00 +0000

Friend: a person whom one knows well and is fond of; an ally, supporter, sympathizer.-Webster’s 2002. Its funny how quick someone may move to call you a friend. But are you a friend, an acquaintance, a best friend, a sister, family? It’s funny how you can treat people and still call them your friend. Acquaintances? We are. Friends? We were not, and in my eyes never were. Certain things shared in confidence you divulge to others. Successes of my life you mock to others. Interests of my love you seek for your own. There is no foundation or love or respect. It makes you feel better to make me look bad. It makes you feel better to speak foully and persuade others to believe and think like you. Its funny because in time, your claws and fangs will show themselves and people will see you for what you really are. Enjoy your frolicking in the streets and your superficial internet life. I’ll continue with my future and leave my treads behind for you to follow.

Honesty in a dream?

blbell86 — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 18:48:43 +0000

Dreams are strange in how they demonstrate a feeling without showing the obvious. Last night I dreamt of a situation, which in all reality, would never happen. Personally I am watching a relationship, at one time I cherished, completely turn into a debacle. The news didn’t come as a surprise, and my feelings weren’t as hot as I thought they’d be. I have come to a point that peoples behavior doesn’t shock me. Of course they’d be messing with each other after the fact. It’s a way to cut me deeper then ever before. At the time, my love was deep, and now I’m at a loss for words. Why at this point in life would a person still be chasing after coat tails, I do not understand, nineteen years is enough. Why after all I did, and all the support I gave would he want to deliberately do something to try and hurt me. It seems as if they were meant for each other from the beginning, and I was supposed to learn a lesson from my love that was lost. Now I feel I have come to terms with it. In the dream they were in my mothers home, seeking her help with their upcoming child. Of course I showed up, infuriated, and kicked her out, but not him. Why is it that we can so easily end a friendship and erase the ‘girl’ from our lives but the impact and love for the ‘boy’ still remains? On a day to day basis, they don’t seem to bother me; I don’t think about it; I don’t care. Yet in my subconscious I’m still not over it. I guess in time that is something that will subside and remain a lesson learned.

Bare.

blbell86 — Wed, 26 May 2010 01:43:12 +0000

Quiet. In the quiet is when our deepest, truest thoughts and fears emerge. In that palpable, dark silence sits my honesty. The facade has withered throughout the day, and the naked self is exposed. Why in this exposure lies my fear? Vulnerable. Lonely. Bare. A heart that is broken and scorned, yet willing to love deep and strong. Scared to be lonely forever. Fragile in the darkness. Still in the silence.

They are valuable.

blbell86 — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 03:12:13 +0000

Its crazy how one little phone call can throw your entire day for a loop. I relax, wind down, and climb into bed thinking out what my next day entails; errands to run, gifts to pick up, Visits to make, etc.. Getting myself into such a routine that any sudden episode will toss my whole productive day into the trash. Getting into such a routine that I forget to take time to breathe and express gratitude and care to the ones I love the most. Being so focused on what has to be done and what money has to be made that I forget all that has been done for me and those that need me. Today was one that made me reflect on my ‘routine’ behavior.

I was awoke this morning by my frantic brother on the phone explaining to me that my mother, my rock, was rushed to the hospital. It’s crazy how in an instant you can feel like your heart is ripped from your chest. I sprung from bed and quickly got myself together while juggling phone calls to and from the family. Grandmom and Grandpop had to be alerted, while I coaxed extra information from Josh and Dan as they rushed to the hospital. Completely frantic on the inside I flew down the highway to the hospital. My heart was pounding and my thoughts were scattered. ‘Was it serious?’ ‘Will I be without my mother?’ ‘Can I handle this kind of loss?’ ‘Did I tell her I loved her yesterday before we hung up?’ ‘Will I be able to say it again today?’ ‘Did they tell the EMT about her past surgeries?’ ‘I’m gonna have to support my brothers.’ ‘I will die without my mommy.’ Tears were streaming down my face before I even knew the severity of her condition. Suddenly my phone rang with a blocked number. I picked it up and surprisingly it was my mom! Oh what a relief! That moment was pregnant with love and gratitude. She had no idea what I was going through, and I still had no clue of her condition.

After a few hours at the hospital and numerous tests later, we were sent home. My mother had a seizure, brought on by what we have yet to find out. Her prescription was close observation and rest.

In just 30 minutes I was given a glimpse of a very serious, extremely frightening senario that would change my life. One phone call at 1030am threw my plans and goals for the day out the window. Why is it that we can so easily get caught in the routine? Since when did dry cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc. take the place of time spent with loved ones? We can be so encompassed by the day-to-day program and building a future that the people that matter the most are put to the side. Why is it that we wait for one day a year to express how grateful we are for family?

As i stated before, my mother is my rock. She raised me and molded me into the woman I am today. My values, work ethic and goals originated from her. If it wasn’t for her and her hard work and dedication, my brothers and I would be very different.

‘A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.’ ~Washington Irving

Why is it that in all I do to build my future and make her proud, do I forget to show her each and everyday that I’m grateful and I love her. A woman that has given up everything for me, deserves everything I can give.

Today was a bit of a wake up call. I was scared that I lost the most valuable person in my life. And what is worse is that I don’t show it enough. I’m not there enough. The thought alone is enough to make me cry. Never again will I go a day without saying ‘I love you mom’ or trying to do something to make her day a little easier. In all our lives we have people that we take for granted. People that sacrifice for us and demonstrate their love for us, that at times can go unnoticed. Life is too short. It’s such a fragile balance between life and death that everyday in every moment we need to make a difference. It doesn’t have to be extraordinary, just a text or a phone call to say ‘hi, i’m thinking about you’, it’s enough to change their day. Don’t wait for the frantic phone call to change your day; to cause you to see their value. It’s too important.

Getting it started…

blbell86 — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 00:28:18 +0000

Here I am. My thoughts, ideas & dreams shared to give you a personal insight into me. So welcome to my blog, I hope you enjoy. Please feel free to share and comment.

<3 B